Surprises
Just when I start to think, "I've got this. Things are getting better." something surprises me and makes me re-think that budding confidence in my ability to cope. Today it is three months since I said goodbye to KB. Yes, I know that she died on January 9th but it was just minutes before midnight and I stayed until everyone else had gone home and I said goodbye one more time not because I needed to be alone but because I just couldn't let go. It's still difficult. This morning, when I woke up and realized that this was three months since I said goodbye, everything I was feeling that night returned and I wasn't prepared for the flood of emotion. They did warn me about this in my grief support group but I still wasn't prepared.
I know that everyone at the hospital did their best to help us all through this and at the time I wasn't immediately aware of some of the things that the doctor had asked me and maybe I wasn't fully aware of everything until this morning. As the doctor explained the lengths that they were going to to keep KB alive and that it was only a matter of time I didn't fully understand what he was asking of me when he said, "When you are ready let us know and we will move KB to palliative care." I know what palliative care is but I didn't grasp what I was being asked to do immediately. It wasn't until I was speaking with the organ transplant coordinator (KB was an organ donor) that it hit me. What he was really saying was, "Let me know when you're ready to pull the plug." It feels vulgar to even type those words but that's exactly the thought that came into my head when I realized what would happen when I told him it was time to move her to palliative care. How could I make that decision?
At some point they told me that KB's blood pressure was dropping rapidly and it was only a matter of time, perhaps minutes. One of the nurses told me quietly that it might be best if they move KB to palliative care now so that my last goodbye would not include so many IV lines and a respirator and beeping machines. In my mind I agreed and I thought that our last memories would be better if KB didn't have the visage of a hollywood tragedy. That's not what I wanted to remember nor did I want the kids to remember that. The words didn't come out of my mouth soon enough.
KB passed away before I could tell them to move her to palliative care. I regret my lack of strength to make that choice but I can't change it. Somehow I feel that KB knew I couldn't make that decision and made sure I wouldn't have to do it... That's how the grieving mind justifies and rationalizes things... or maybe that is the truth.
One thing that I have come to understand from the helplessness that I felt from KB's death is that it's foolish for me to think that I have any idea about what happens beyond this life. My ability to comprehend anything greater than what I can physically see, touch, taste, smell or hear is almost non-existent so how can I possibly be so bold to assume that my mind is only rationalizing thing to make me feel better. Am I really that selfish? Maybe so, the jury is still out on that one. If KB was able to prevent me from having to make that decision she would have. She would never allow me to be hurt if she could prevent it. Telling myself that believing such a thing is just a trick of the mind diminishes the idea of the human soul and the ability that we all have to be more than what we appear to be. Knowing that KB's soul had very few limits while she was alive, how could I possibly believe that she would be capable of less in death.
What I know today is that getting through the grief is going to take far longer than 3 months and I will have so many more surprise days like this ahead of me. I have come to some reconciliation of a belief in rational, scientific based thinking and faith. What I believe could cover several blog posts and would probably be hailed as the entertaining rantings of a lunatic... maybe some day... it suffices to say that in my heart I know that KB is ok now, she's happy and she remains with those she loved and we will recognize that if we're willing to see it. I know that she misses all of her family and friends but loves us all no less today. You can ask how I know and I will assure you that I can't possibly explain it nor do I believe that I have the ability to understand it. I just feel it like I feel sadness, anger and happiness.
I am aware that this post will probably make very little sense to anyone but me. I just kind of let the stream of consciousness flow out to the keyboard on this one so if you have questions I completely understand... so do I.
I know that everyone at the hospital did their best to help us all through this and at the time I wasn't immediately aware of some of the things that the doctor had asked me and maybe I wasn't fully aware of everything until this morning. As the doctor explained the lengths that they were going to to keep KB alive and that it was only a matter of time I didn't fully understand what he was asking of me when he said, "When you are ready let us know and we will move KB to palliative care." I know what palliative care is but I didn't grasp what I was being asked to do immediately. It wasn't until I was speaking with the organ transplant coordinator (KB was an organ donor) that it hit me. What he was really saying was, "Let me know when you're ready to pull the plug." It feels vulgar to even type those words but that's exactly the thought that came into my head when I realized what would happen when I told him it was time to move her to palliative care. How could I make that decision?
At some point they told me that KB's blood pressure was dropping rapidly and it was only a matter of time, perhaps minutes. One of the nurses told me quietly that it might be best if they move KB to palliative care now so that my last goodbye would not include so many IV lines and a respirator and beeping machines. In my mind I agreed and I thought that our last memories would be better if KB didn't have the visage of a hollywood tragedy. That's not what I wanted to remember nor did I want the kids to remember that. The words didn't come out of my mouth soon enough.
KB passed away before I could tell them to move her to palliative care. I regret my lack of strength to make that choice but I can't change it. Somehow I feel that KB knew I couldn't make that decision and made sure I wouldn't have to do it... That's how the grieving mind justifies and rationalizes things... or maybe that is the truth.
One thing that I have come to understand from the helplessness that I felt from KB's death is that it's foolish for me to think that I have any idea about what happens beyond this life. My ability to comprehend anything greater than what I can physically see, touch, taste, smell or hear is almost non-existent so how can I possibly be so bold to assume that my mind is only rationalizing thing to make me feel better. Am I really that selfish? Maybe so, the jury is still out on that one. If KB was able to prevent me from having to make that decision she would have. She would never allow me to be hurt if she could prevent it. Telling myself that believing such a thing is just a trick of the mind diminishes the idea of the human soul and the ability that we all have to be more than what we appear to be. Knowing that KB's soul had very few limits while she was alive, how could I possibly believe that she would be capable of less in death.
What I know today is that getting through the grief is going to take far longer than 3 months and I will have so many more surprise days like this ahead of me. I have come to some reconciliation of a belief in rational, scientific based thinking and faith. What I believe could cover several blog posts and would probably be hailed as the entertaining rantings of a lunatic... maybe some day... it suffices to say that in my heart I know that KB is ok now, she's happy and she remains with those she loved and we will recognize that if we're willing to see it. I know that she misses all of her family and friends but loves us all no less today. You can ask how I know and I will assure you that I can't possibly explain it nor do I believe that I have the ability to understand it. I just feel it like I feel sadness, anger and happiness.
I am aware that this post will probably make very little sense to anyone but me. I just kind of let the stream of consciousness flow out to the keyboard on this one so if you have questions I completely understand... so do I.
I get it. And I feel it, too. Was thinking about you all day yesterday and today. Three months is just a drop in the bucket. You aren't alone.
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