The last few days I've been preparing myself for today. Today is KB's birthday and I have been thinking about her a lot this past weekend. Hot on the heels of our anniversary and Mother's Day today is just another day where my heart could feel lost because the person that I want to talk to, hold tight and kiss isn't here and won't ever be here again. I've shared a lot of my feelings here and I thought that I had such a good handle on my feelings but as time goes by I have started to accept the fact that I have no control over my emotions and most days I feel more empty than anything else.
But not today. Today, like our anniversary, I feel an overwhelming feeling of love. Even though she's not with me the love that I feel for her remains and I hope it never leaves. It might seem strange to some and there might be some who feel like I'm not letting myself heal. Maybe that's true. Maybe I am strange but if healing means letting go of the love that I have for KB then I'm ok with being wounded until I die.
There are so many things that KB enjoyed so deeply and purely and she chose to share those things with me with no hesitation and with such certitude that they naturally became part of me. Sitting under a starry sky with a cool breeze on my face reminds me so much of being with her that I feel like I could reach out and touch her hair or see her smile and sparkling eyes.
So many days my heart feels lost but not today. Today I feel that my heart has purpose and the thoughts of her make me whole and feel like I'm home.
KB, pictures of you, images of you in my mind and the feeling of love that I recall when I can think about you bring my emotions to the surface. This is a song that always makes me think of you. Happy birthday KB! If I tremble at the thought of you it's not because I'm cold...