The Beauty of Letting Go
I ended up at Pacific Beach and had time to change into something more beach appropriate and walk in the sand. I found a pub on the beach and went inside to grab a pint. I decided that the reservations at the hotel inland had to be cancelled and this is where I would be staying... not the pub but somewhere on the beach.
Lucky for me, I didn't have to sleep in the sand. That probably would have been fine if I wasn't there to have meetings with a client but I managed to find a room at the Surfer Beach Hotel. This was several stars below the quality of the hotel I had been booked into but the sunset was incredible. Every night at sunset, people would stand out on the beach and watch the sun sink slowly into the ocean and it was silent as people marvelled at the sight. There isn't a photograph in the world that can do justice to the beauty of it. Just before the sun would fall below the horizon people would applaud.
While I was in San Diego I had an opportunity to see Collective Soul at The House of Blues. Seeing a band in a small venue like that it truly the way a concert should be done. The opening band was called Green River Ordinance. These young guys were probably not even old enough to legally drink in the bar but they put on a great show and I really like their sound. They have a song called, "The Beauty of Letting Go". There is a line in that song that goes something like this: "And you're falling out of all that you were, And you're finding out the beauty of letting go." Well, here, just take a minute to listen to it.
So, in the wake and waves of grief, I'm faced with letting go of many things. Most of all I'm faced with letting go of who I once was because part of me died with KB and I can't be the same person. My hope is that I can become something better with her memory alive in me. This isn't a conscious thing, however, it's simply an evolution of being that will happen on it's own and take it's own form. It's the conscious changes that are most difficult and cause me to question even my sanity sometimes.
About a week ago I started to get this... feeling. I really don't have the words to describe it because it's not exactly a voice and not exactly a thought. It's a mixture of thoughts and images but neither of those... more just an emotion that pulls at some instinctual part of the lizard brain. The feeling was that I need to let KB go so she can fully live the afterlife. At first I thought I was dreaming while wide awake because I'm not a big believer in the traditional idea of an afterlife so why my brain would have thoughts about a concept that I don't subscribe to was kind of odd and I ignored it. Each day the "emotion" got stronger until I was at a point where I was torn between trying to figure out what the hell this means and trying to decide if I was losing my mind. On Monday, I took off my wedding ring and put it on a necklace with KB's wedding ring. I had a talk with her... well, it was quite one sided but I told her that I didn't want her to be holding herself back from whatever joy and peace she may find just because I can't let go of her. It was the hardest thing that I have done since she died. The "emotion" started to change. When you love someone completely and with all your heart there is only one thing that matters; you want them to be happy no matter what the cost is. I will always want that for KB and just the possibility that my grief and desire to hold on to her tightly and not let go might be preventing her from experiencing the most happiness she can was not something I could live with.
The beauty of letting go is not giving up nor is it letting go of the good things or letting go of love. I'm certainly not ready to move on completely but I am ready to let her spirit be free and be happy. Faith and love are incredible things and they fit together well. When you have them both nothing is impossible to comprehend and it changes you. If there is an afterlife... and somehow my soul tells me there is... KB is there and she has fully embraced it. She's running through the grass in her bare feet and dancing to thunder and smiling brightly. As for me, I am still grieving but it's not the same. I understand that it's feeling bad for myself and what I've lost but it's mixed with feelings of believing that KB has gained something that I can't even comprehend. So I am falling out of all that I once was into something else and no matter what I become I know that I will always carry a beautiful love with me.
À demain, KB!
Another beautifully expressive post, Chris. I do believe in an afterlife, and I just know that some day, we will all be dancing in the grass with K.B.
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