The Difference Between Pushing and Expanding
In Tai Chi we study in great detail the difference between pushing and expanding. It's interesting to watch the movements and even more interesting to feel the difference. It occurred to me that the concept of push vs expand extends beyond martial arts. I find that so much of what I learn in Tai Chi not only applies to martial arts but to life in general. From a martial arts perspective watching someone "push" looks very similar to "expansion" but the way the energy is applied is very different and has a much different result. Understanding this difference broadens your ability to grow as a martial artist and with just a simple change in your intention you can open up a whole new set of skills even though the movement is very similar. But this blog post isn't about Tai Chi. This is about resisting the natural urge to push back and choosing to expand yourself instead.
Over the last couple of weeks I've read a lot of twitter posts with the hashtag #YesAllWomen and I've read numerous posts on facebook and blogs from women who have decided to share their stories and feelings about how they are treated in our society. I like to think that I'm a pretty decent guy and I like to think that I treat women as equals so when I read things with generalizations about men my instincts tell me to push back because in my head I'm thinking, "Hey I'm not a bad guy, don't lump me in with misogynists and that whacked out Elliot Rodger." But pushing back is just a reflex and I know that sometimes you need to expand rather than push. I've taken the opportunity to talk to women and ask them how they feel. I'm lucky enough to have a lot of female friends who I feel comfortable talking to about this. I go into these discussions with the belief that I need to expand my own understanding and try to appreciate why this is such a hot topic and also to understand why I don't immediately understand why it's such a big issue for women and not to debate or "push back".
I've learned that I can never know how women feel for one simple reason: I'm a white male. I've certainly had my share of hurdles in life and I've gone through some really shitty things but talking women I've come to understand that as a white male I was born with a level of privilege that they have never known. I didn't ask for this privilege but because I've never known any different I just seem to assume that other people enjoy the same privilege and when women talk about their wholesale disenfranchisement I view it as just one of those hurdles that I've gone through in my own life. It's not the same. As I listen and try to understand what women have been saying to me I have come to a very basic realization that just as I have been endowed with white, male privilege, women have been handicapped for no other reason than they have the ability to bear children. I realize that there are much more complex things going on in society but at the very core that's the fundamental difference between men and women. I can't fully understand what it's like to be a woman but I can appreciate the absolute injustice of how we treat women around the world. Now that I've started to "expanded" my understanding and come to this realization I can't help but feel more than just a bit angry that it's taken me this long to start thinking about the problem. Rather than treat women as equals and respect them we marginalize and try to control them. Maybe not consciously but I think the root of our actions goes so far back that we don't don't even know why we do things, we just know that that's how it's always been and the problematic behaviour is written of as "normal". Normal doesn't mean it's right.
You might notice that I'm making generalizations about men even though I said that's one of the things that initially bothered me about the many opinions I've read from women. I think that's because I've also come to realize that every man contributes to the problem. Yup, that's right EVERY man. Some more than others but I have yet to meet a single guy who has never made an objectifying comment about women or even laughed or leered when a friend says something like, "Check out the rack on that chick!" I challenge any guy to prove me wrong and I bet that in a 24 hour period EVERY SINGLE GUY will do or say something to objectify and marginalize women without even knowing it. And yes, that includes me.
Guys, it's important to listen to what women are saying. And when I say listen I don't mean debate them on feminism I mean shut your mouth and open your ear holes. If you're a male, and in particular a white male, the privilege you have been born with means that you have absolutely no ability to understand what women deal with so you really need to listen and think without trying to defend yourself. You are not under attack but the behaviours our culture (and many other cultures) have deemed acceptable are most certainly under attack and they should be.
To women everywhere, I sincerely apologize for the fact that it has taken my 45 years to get to this point where I am just starting to realize the things you struggle with and I am sincerely sorry that I have contributed to the problem. I can be better. We can all be better and I appreciate the very open and candid way that you have shared your stories with the world. I know that it takes a great deal of courage to stand up for yourself and it may be frustrating when you feel that you aren't heard. Please keep talking and I will keep listening and trying to expand my understanding and not push back against you.
Over the last couple of weeks I've read a lot of twitter posts with the hashtag #YesAllWomen and I've read numerous posts on facebook and blogs from women who have decided to share their stories and feelings about how they are treated in our society. I like to think that I'm a pretty decent guy and I like to think that I treat women as equals so when I read things with generalizations about men my instincts tell me to push back because in my head I'm thinking, "Hey I'm not a bad guy, don't lump me in with misogynists and that whacked out Elliot Rodger." But pushing back is just a reflex and I know that sometimes you need to expand rather than push. I've taken the opportunity to talk to women and ask them how they feel. I'm lucky enough to have a lot of female friends who I feel comfortable talking to about this. I go into these discussions with the belief that I need to expand my own understanding and try to appreciate why this is such a hot topic and also to understand why I don't immediately understand why it's such a big issue for women and not to debate or "push back".
I've learned that I can never know how women feel for one simple reason: I'm a white male. I've certainly had my share of hurdles in life and I've gone through some really shitty things but talking women I've come to understand that as a white male I was born with a level of privilege that they have never known. I didn't ask for this privilege but because I've never known any different I just seem to assume that other people enjoy the same privilege and when women talk about their wholesale disenfranchisement I view it as just one of those hurdles that I've gone through in my own life. It's not the same. As I listen and try to understand what women have been saying to me I have come to a very basic realization that just as I have been endowed with white, male privilege, women have been handicapped for no other reason than they have the ability to bear children. I realize that there are much more complex things going on in society but at the very core that's the fundamental difference between men and women. I can't fully understand what it's like to be a woman but I can appreciate the absolute injustice of how we treat women around the world. Now that I've started to "expanded" my understanding and come to this realization I can't help but feel more than just a bit angry that it's taken me this long to start thinking about the problem. Rather than treat women as equals and respect them we marginalize and try to control them. Maybe not consciously but I think the root of our actions goes so far back that we don't don't even know why we do things, we just know that that's how it's always been and the problematic behaviour is written of as "normal". Normal doesn't mean it's right.
You might notice that I'm making generalizations about men even though I said that's one of the things that initially bothered me about the many opinions I've read from women. I think that's because I've also come to realize that every man contributes to the problem. Yup, that's right EVERY man. Some more than others but I have yet to meet a single guy who has never made an objectifying comment about women or even laughed or leered when a friend says something like, "Check out the rack on that chick!" I challenge any guy to prove me wrong and I bet that in a 24 hour period EVERY SINGLE GUY will do or say something to objectify and marginalize women without even knowing it. And yes, that includes me.
Guys, it's important to listen to what women are saying. And when I say listen I don't mean debate them on feminism I mean shut your mouth and open your ear holes. If you're a male, and in particular a white male, the privilege you have been born with means that you have absolutely no ability to understand what women deal with so you really need to listen and think without trying to defend yourself. You are not under attack but the behaviours our culture (and many other cultures) have deemed acceptable are most certainly under attack and they should be.
To women everywhere, I sincerely apologize for the fact that it has taken my 45 years to get to this point where I am just starting to realize the things you struggle with and I am sincerely sorry that I have contributed to the problem. I can be better. We can all be better and I appreciate the very open and candid way that you have shared your stories with the world. I know that it takes a great deal of courage to stand up for yourself and it may be frustrating when you feel that you aren't heard. Please keep talking and I will keep listening and trying to expand my understanding and not push back against you.
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