Hold On




I haven't listened to Sarah McLachlan in about 10 years but I did own a copy of Mirrorball at one time.  Admitting such things publicly usually results in having your man card revoked but I would argue that real men don't need a card to prove their manhood and implying that listening one of the forces behind Lilith Fair is not a guy thing to do is just genderist... but that's probably a post for another day...

Anyway, since KB died I don't think that I've really had the opportunity to grieve.  There were funeral arrangements and paperwork for the federal government, paperwork for insurance people, paperwork for KB's work benefits, banking appointments, endless phone calls, organ transplant discussions, the list goes on and on and on.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining even though the tone of the words that spew out when I tell people sound very much like complaining.  The truth is, I'm happy to do whatever I have to to make sure our kids are taken care of and that KB knows that everything is taken care of.  I would do absolutely anything for her. Even if she's not with me physically she is always with me in my heart and wanting to do things for her to show her I love her is not something that I can just turn off.

Anyway, I have decided that it might be healthy to set aside some time to grieve every day even if it's only an hour.  I'm not sure where I got this idea from but I just feel like I need a safe time and place to let my feelings out whatever they may be.  The only problem with that is you may not feel like letting those feelings out at the time so you need a catalyst.

And with that, I will turn in my man card because I have purchased another copy of Mirrorball specifically for this song.  For those of you who like to read along, here are the lyrics:

Hold on, hold on to yourself
For this is gonna hurt like hell

Hold on, hold on to yourself
You know that only time will tell
What is it in me that refuses to believe
This isn't easier than the real thing

My love, you know that you're my best friend
You know I'd do anything for you
My love, let nothing come between us
My love for you is strong and true

Am I in Heaven here or am I
At the crossroads I am standing
So now you're sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
You'll be strong tomorrow and we'll
See another day and we will praise it
And love the light that brings a smile
Across your face

Oh, God if you're out there won't you hear me
I know that we've never talked before
Oh, God the man I love is leaving
Won't you take him when he comes to your door

Am I in Heaven here or am I in hell
At the crossroads I am standing
So now you're sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
That you'll be strong tomorrow and we'll
See another day and we will praise it
And love the light that brings a smile

Now you're sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
That you'll be strong tomorrow and we'll
See another day and we will praise it
And love the light that brings a smile
Across your face

Hold on, hold on to yourself
For this is gonna hurt like hell

Comments

  1. WordfiendFebruary 7, 2014 at 5:59 PM

    Had never heard this. The lyrics are hard.

    ReplyDelete
  2. ChrisFebruary 8, 2014 at 8:32 AM

    They are... I should probably expand on this entry a bit.

    ReplyDelete
  3. WordfiendFebruary 8, 2014 at 5:12 PM

    Thanks for expanding. I had never thought of setting aside time to grieve, but it's not a bad idea, especially when there are times when you really can't just let your feelings go.

    I dreamt about her last night, and may blog about it. How perfect is it that she would visit me in my dreams?

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I Had a Dream

Last night I had a dream.  Before it fades completely let me tell you about it. I was standing on a high set of stairs with a large group of people around in some sort of ethereal cathedral.  KB's Dad was standing at my left side and I knew that we were waiting for KB.  KB and I were getting married again and we were waiting for her to start coming down the aisle in front of us.  For some reason I felt warm and decided that I needed to take of my suit jacket and shirt and wrap myself in a cloak of some kind.  We waited for several minutes and then I saw KB coming around the corner wearing a beautiful deep blue dress similar to the one that she wore at our "earthly" wedding.  It was longer and flowing.  Even though she was walking she seemed like she was floating.  As she came into my view I could see that smile that I knew so well and I was incredibly happy.  Her blue eyes were sparkling and I was awestruck by how beautiful she looked. ...
Read more

The Last Letter

Image
The past 2 weeks (almost 20 days) has been a bit of a blur.  I wasn't sure if I would share this but the more I thought about it, the more I felt that it was important to share yet one more thing that I learned from my beautiful wife.  This is very personal to me and having had time to reflect on my life with KB and this letter, it is a very precious gift and I hope that those of you who read this can understand why.  KB had recently started to do some exercises that were meant to help stimulate creativity.  She wanted to really focus on developing her writing skills as it was something that she wanted to spend more time doing when we made the move out to BC.  One of her exercises was an unblocking exercise.  I'm not exactly sure what the unblocking exercise was all about but the Monday after KB passed away, I checked my mail and there was Christmas card addressed to me from someone right here in my own town.  I thought that was odd becau...
Read more

Internal Harmony

The title of this post suggests that this is going to be very deep.  Yeah, that's probably true.  In October 2013 I spent the last 7 days learning a number of different disciplines from Grandmaster Nick Gracenin.  For those of you living in Washington DC, I hope you realize how lucky you are to have a martial artist of Master Nick's ability living in your city and actively teaching.  I have learned such an incredible amount from Master Nick that I really need to take some time and reflect and absorb all of it but I feel that I have to share this one tidbit with the folks who might read my blog because it does relate to how we live our lives not just martial arts and not surprisingly has a lot to do with the overall theme of this blog. There is a concept of harmonies in Tai Chi.  There are external harmonies which refer to the kinetic harmonies within our bodies that we need to understand.  The internal harmonies refer to the part of ourselves that we can'...
Read more