One Year
So one year ago I married the most beautiful woman in the world. I know, every husband says that about their wife and so they should. If you don't think your wife is the most beautiful woman in the world... well that's not a discussion to get into today. Yes, to me she was absolutely the most beautiful woman in the world without a doubt. I'm often angered and frustrated because we didn't even have one year together as a married couple and I try to tell myself that I had such good fortune to live with a love that so many people never know. That is very true but I'm selfish and I didn't want it to end so soon. I'm thankful but when we're talking about love there is never a point where any of us would say, "OK, that's enough. I'm all full up on love now. Turn off the tap." Nope. That just doesn't happen.
When I met K.B. I was not at a place in my life where I was interested in having a romantic relationship with anyone. I told her early on that my life was a train wreck and I didn't want to drag anyone else into it. She didn't care and she said she had to expectations but she was willing to just take each day as it comes and see where things go. It seemed like a good idea. She loved me from day one and I knew it and I knew before I even asked her out on our first date that she was nothing like anyone I had ever met before and at some point I was going to have to admit that I was in love with her despite the train wreck of a life that I had. I told her that after I visited her at her office to pick up some documents she had dug up from the archives that I was twitter-pated. You know, when "you're walking along, minding your own business. You're looking neither to the left, nor to the right, when all of a sudden you run smack into a pretty face. Woo-woo! You begin to get weak in the knees. Your head's in a whirl. And then you feel light as a feather, and before you know it, you're walking on air. And then you know what? You're knocked for a loop, and you completely lose your head!" Yup, that's pretty much how it happened.
So now our first wedding anniversary is here and K.B. is not. It's not that she didn't want to be here, I know she did but she just couldn't be and as much as we would have liked to have some control over the situation, we simply didn't. I have to thank all of the people who reached out to me and invited me to do something today and for all the people who have let me know that I will be in their thoughts today. I am thankful that I never have to be alone in life because I have such amazing friends and a loving family. But this is a day where I have to be alone. Of course I would prefer to be with K.B. today and the only way I can do that now is by spending time with my memories and thoughts about her. As much as distraction may prevent a river of tears, on this particular day that emotion comes from love and love is something I never want to avoid or turn away from because, thanks to K.B. I know that love is the absolute best of all emotions and it has no bounds. Even death has no power over love so today is the day that I gladly let it wash over me and whether it brings tears or laughter I have no fear of love.
There always seems to be so much sadness in the air when people talk to me about K.B.. Some people avoid talking about her completely when I'm around and others can't talk to me about her without bursting in to tears. That's all OK and I understand all of that. Almost every day I have those moments where I have to keep myself from thinking about her just so I can function. Sometimes I get into a blue mood and I post some sappy love song on her facebook timeline. Don't get me wrong, I don't apologize for any of that and have no intention to stop no matter how annoying it might be for some people. I love K.B. with all of my heart to this day and I will never be afraid to let the world know how I feel. We will all eventually get to the point where we mostly feel happiness for having known her but I know there will always be times when we are feeling sad for what we've lost when we lost her. I know that K.B. would understand. Until the day she died she thought about her brother every day and dealt with losing him as well as her mom. Some days she would need to have some time alone to remember them and some days she would tell me stories about the adventures she had with Cully with a smile on her face. In fact, in dealing with losing K.B. I have adopted some of the things that she had done to deal with her own losses. Just one of the many gifts she gave me in the short time we had together.
I couldn't possibly count all of the gifts that she gave me but the best gift she gave was love. I think it's only fitting that on the day we officially and publicly declared our love for each other that I should honour that gift. It's amazing to me how much true love can change a person. K.B.'s friends would often tell me that they had never seen her so happy and it was because of me. Well, I wish I could take credit for that but the truth is the happiness was mutual because we shared a true love. It wasn't me that put the smile on her face, it was because of the love we had for each other and it was because we were together. I don't think that I alone could make her that happy but the two of us together, loving each other... yeah, that would do it. Some of you might not understand that and all I can say is that if you open yourself up to letting yourself being in love and embracing it completely you will without a doubt someday feel the most terrible pain in your soul. But until that day comes you will be filled with a feeling that will let you know that you have a soul and the world will change. You will recognize hope and kindness and caring all around you. Your fears will diminish and you will grow like you've never grown before. It will change you for the better and no other experience will compare.
I don't want to leave this on a sad note so I think this might be a good place to end but before I do I'll leave you with this. Yes, I know it's Sarah McLachlan again. This time next year I'm sure I'll have a new obsession but until then y'all will just have to deal with it. Listen to the song and I'm sure you'll agree it is entirely appropriate.
K.B., sweetness, I love you with all my heart and I always will.
À demain, my love!
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