When Anger Meets Grief

I started to attend a grief support group for people who have lost their significant other.  Last week's session was about anger.  Anger is one of the big 5 in the 5 stages of grief.  What I've learned about the 5 stages of grief is that you don't move through them like levels in a video game.  They come and go throughout your grieving and there is no prize at the end.  I guess the prize is that you find a way to survive.

At the support group meeting we talked about anger and I can tell you that we feel angry about a lot of things but one thing I found interesting is that all of us in the group have felt anger toward other couples.  It's not that we are angry that they have their partner and we don't.  I thought I was the only one who felt this but maybe this is common for people who have lost their soul mate.

Maybe I've always felt like this having been in love with someone who I cherished and someone who I loved and cared for very deeply every day that we were together.  KB and I had really only been together for a year and a half but in that time we had never had a fight.  Not even a little spat.  Sure she got upset with me once because I made myself a pizza pop instead of asking her to cook something for me (she LOVED cooking for people and was upset that I robbed her of an opportunity to cook for me).  But every day we showed each other how much we loved each other.  No exaggeration.  EVERY DAY!  There wasn't one day where we didn't say I love you and every work day we couldn't wait to get home and be together.  I really don't understand when people say things like "relationships take work".  Being with KB was effortless.  We did make an effort to do things for one another but it never once felt like work.  I think all of these relationship gurus who tell us that love takes work are full of it.  That's is absolutely not true at all.  Anytime we did something for it each other it was because it was exactly what we wanted to do and the reward for me was seeing that look on her face where she recognized how much I loved her.  So, in terms of anger, I am pissed off that I don't get to do that anymore.  But that's not what this post is all about.

What angers me these days is when I see other people who claim to be in love and yet they do things to hurt each other.  Maybe it's not intentional and we're all human and we will mess up from time to time but is it really that hard to say I'm sorry to the person you love?  Hearing people complain about their partner also pisses me off to no end.  Before KB died when I would hear someone complain about their significant other I used to think, "Geez, I'm pretty lucky I guess, I have nothing to complain about."  But now I just feel rage building when someone complain about their partner.  What the hell is wrong with people that they can't appreciate what an amazing gift love is.  Are we so used to getting everything we want in our culture that we demand our partner to be flawless and can't accept that they are human and will make mistakes?  Is it really so easy to lose sight of all the things we love about another person that we can so easily complain about them when they make a mistake or do something that we don't happen to like all that much?  And why is it so difficult to do little things to let someone you know how much you love them.  We can drop everything to respond to a text message or comment on someone's facebook post about what they had for lunch but we can't take 30 seconds to show someone that they mean everything to us?  Doesn't that seem a little messed up?

It's really not that hard to make each other feel loved and it doesn't cost a single penny to do it!  There were so many times when I would be walking up to the back gate and it would burst open and KB would come running toward me with a big smile on her face and just wrap her arms around me and squeeze me.  She didn't have to say a word and it took about 30 seconds to do it but there was absolutely no doubt in my mind that she loved me completely and that moment of "effort" to show me how much she loved me will last for the rest of my life.  Put together all of the moments that we shared over the year and a half that we were together and I have a lot of memories of love to carry me through the rest of my life.

I'm not saying that if your relationship isn't perfect you should get out of it.  Not at all.  I'm just suggesting that we look at the big picture and understand that every single one of us is going to die someday and that means that one day, you and your partner are going to be separated by one of you dying.  I sincerely hope that you will all have many, many years together and grow old together but even more I hope that you will understand that you have an opportunity to make sure that your partner knows how much you love them every day and when the day comes for one of you to have your last day on this earth, you will be thankful for having made sure that your partner knew that you loved them and you will regret every unkind word or hurtful thing you ever did to the person you love.  I guess for me, knowing that I would give anything to have KB back I can't understand how anyone could not appreciate the person they love and it makes me angry that people could so easily dismiss the greatest gift they will ever know when I would give anything for just one more chance to wrap my arms around KB and hold her and tell her I love her.