The Great Escape

At Christmas time K.B. and I would watch Love Actually.   If you've seen the movie you know that Liam Neeson's character has recently lost his wife and at the funeral he makes a joke that his wife had asked him to take Claudia Schiffer as his date.  If you've ever watched a movie with K.B. you have probably also had to pause the movie to have a discussion about something the characters were experiencing.  As a result, K.B. and I discussed the topic of dating in the event that one of us should die.  I didn't expect that I would ever actually be in this situation but life has a way of throwing you curve balls every once in a while.  So to people who have said things like, "I'm sure K.B. would want want you to carry on with your life." I can say that she most definitely did want me to have a life should she die before me.  She was very adamant that she did not want me trying to "have a relationship with a ghost" as she put it (that was from our di

Short and true. Thanks Robert Frost: Nature's first green is gold,  Her hardest hue to hold.  Her early leaf's a flower;  But only so an hour.  Then leaf subsides to leaf,  So Eden sank to grief,  So dawn goes down to day  Nothing gold can stay.

Last week I took a trip through Alberta and BC.  I wasn't on vacation but the opportunity to escape from my day to day was welcome.  Sometimes when I take these little trips I wonder if I'm running from something or running to something... or just running.  I'll figure that one out eventually. On my way back home I stopped in Waterton Lakes National Park.  Waterton is part of an International peace park and extends into the US with an incredibly vast number of trails and beautiful old, upside down mountains dotted with glacier lakes, streams and waterfalls.  I had always thought that it was one of the most beautiful places I had ever seen and felt so fortunate that it was a single day's car ride away from me. One of the gifts that KB and I received for our wedding was a night at a resort in Waterton where our friend Stephanie was working.  KB had never been to Waterton before but I knew she would love it and she did.  I wish I was able to take a picture of her that

As I write this I am currently on vacation in BC on the Shuswaps.  If you've never been here I really recommend it.  It's very beautiful and even though it may not be the same kind of relaxing as a hike into the back country, just not having to worry about carrying my cell phone around with me is a major stress relief.  In fact, unplugging from the connected world for a day or two can be relaxing in itself regardless of where you are. This is an interesting trip for me.  This the type of trip that I would have taken with KB and last night she would have been so excited to see the lightning flash over the mountains and the thunder echoing throughout the valley.  Now, for me, that is an echo of her life and a reminder of the indelible imprint she left on mine.  As I write this I am surrounded by mountain and water. The sun is gently rising over the mountain peaks and spilling on the glassy water. I'm caught in the eddy of this moment. The world is still and I can't help b

I was really trying to keep myself from publishing another weepy grief post but today was one of those days where emotions got the better of me. Those of you who knew K.B.  know how much she loved the rain and especially when you mix in some thunder and lightning.  This morning was one of those days here in Saskatchewan where the sky opened up and let loose with all three.  Of course, this made me think of K.B. and how on more than one occasion we had danced in the rain not caring how wet we got because we were together and nothing else mattered even the fact that there was no music.  The rain may have been cold but love washes over you with a warmth that can't easily be abated.  It seemed odd (and fitting) that as the rain came down this morning and the memory of dancing in the rain with K.B. came to mind that Wynn Anne sent me a link to The Dance  by Garth Brooks. No matter how much I miss her today, I wouldn't have missed that dance for anything.

"I said to Hank Williams, how lonely does it get? Hank Williams hasn't answered yet But I hear him coughing all night long A hundred floors above me, in the Tower of Song." I like music.  All kinds of music.  There are some genres and artists that I may enjoy more than others but to me music is like any other form or art, if it elicits emotion I enjoy it.  I've learned that there is something about live performances that simply can't be captured on CD or recorded music and I don't think you can truly appreciate the art behind music without seeing a performance because it's like looking at only half of a painting and trying to appreciate it. On June 6th I had the opportunity to see a duo called Tower of Song  perform a Leonard Cohen tribute in Regina Beach at the Last Mountain Cultural Centre.  A group of about 50 or 60 people crowded into a small room and were treated to a great performance by Oliver Swain and Glenna Garramone.  I

In Tai Chi we study in great detail the difference between pushing and expanding.  It's interesting to watch the movements and even more interesting to feel the difference.  It occurred to me that the concept of push vs expand extends beyond martial arts.  I find that so much of what I learn in Tai Chi not only applies to martial arts but to life in general.  From a martial arts perspective watching someone "push" looks very similar to "expansion" but the way the energy is applied is very different and has a much different result.  Understanding this difference broadens your ability to grow as a martial artist and with just a simple change in your intention you can open up a whole new set of skills even though the movement is very similar.  But this blog post isn't about Tai Chi.  This is about resisting the natural urge to push back and choosing to expand yourself instead. Over the last couple of weeks I've read a lot of twitter posts with the hashtag

I have to admit that I started writing this post before May 25th.  I really didn't think I would be in any state to write on this particular day.  I've been down that road before.  When the river of emotion rises and rages there isn't much point in doing anything other than hang on to something that floats and ride it out.  But I feel like I have something to say so I thought I would try to get it out before the storm hits.  Even as I'm typing I have no idea what it is.  That's part of the reason for having a blog, once you let the thoughts start flowing they kinda pull out all of the other stuff buried deep in your brain or in your heart and it spews it out all raw and fresh and sometimes what ends up here surprises me more than anyone.  It's true, I don't plan this stuff (as I'm sure you can tell), it just sorta happens.  Enough preamble, let's get on with it. So one year ago I married the most beautiful woman in the world.  I know, every husba

Any of you who follow me on any social media site know that I've been quite focused on Sarah McLachlan lately.  I had the good fortune to be able to travel to Toronto this past week to see Sarah perform at a small club and had the chance to meet her after the show.  For any Sarah McLachlan fan this would be a big deal but I wouldn't consider myself a die hard Sarah McLachlan fan... well maybe I would now but before this past week I would have considered myself to be a casual fan.  There is more to this story than just being able to meet a Canadian music icon.  The truth is this obsession could have been something completely different and triggered in any number of ways but in this particular case Sarah happened to be the catalyst to elicit emotion.  I have a feeling she's quite good at doing that. For the past four months I have been dealing with the grief brought about by the sudden loss of the love of my life .  Dealing with intense grief I found that I was often stru

It's Mother's Day so what better time to share a secret with everyone (if you read to the end, you will understand why this is the perfect day to share this particular secret).  This is something that only K.B. knew but I figured that since I've been baring my soul on the Internet for some time now I might as well share this with the rest of the world too. The picture you see to the left is my first tattoo.  It's not a great picture but it's good enough for the purposes of this blog post.  It's very difficult to take a decent picture of a tattoo on your own arm. There are three components to this tattoo: the moon, the celtic knot and the tribal braces.  Trust me, this does relate to Mother's Day.  I'll try to explain my thoughts that went into this tattoo and the connection should become clear. The Moon: Just before I had this tattoo done I had been studying a number of different religions and cultures.  I was on some sort of personal spiritual j

I really suck at keeping up with things like my recent foray into the #100HappyDays challenge.  OK, so maybe "foray" is not the best way to describe it.  If it were, I wouldn't be writing this particular blog post.  Several people have commented that they are concerned that maybe I'm not happy because my 100 Happy Days posts seemed to have stopped abruptly but so did almost all of my other online activity.  So I decided to get everyone caught up on the happy things in each day since my last Happy Days post on April 3rd. April 4th, 2014 - Day 24: I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes.  Why would this make me happy?  Because my doctor is awesome and he caught it early enough that I don't need medication or insulin injections and I just need to change my diet and and take an a healthier lifestyle.  If nothing else this is good motivation to do just that.  I guess KB was right in the dream I had about her several weeks before.  She said I was getting flabby and I n

Just when I start to think, "I've got this.  Things are getting better." something surprises me and makes me re-think that budding confidence in my ability to cope.  Today it is three months since I said goodbye to KB.  Yes, I know that she died on January 9th but it was just minutes before midnight and I stayed until everyone else had gone home and I said goodbye one more time not because I needed to be alone but because I just couldn't let go.  It's still difficult.  This morning, when I woke up and realized that this was three months since I said goodbye, everything I was feeling that night returned and I wasn't prepared for the flood of emotion.  They did warn me about this in my grief support group but I still wasn't prepared. I know that everyone at the hospital did their best to help us all through this and at the time I wasn't immediately aware of some of the things that the doctor had asked me and maybe I wasn't fully aware of everything

Many years ago I took a business trip to San Diego.  The client I was visiting had arranged reservations at a hotel close to their facility about 15 miles from the beach.  After renting a mustang convertible at the airport and driving less than a quarter mile past the beach with the top down I knew I had to stop before heading to the hotel. I ended up at Pacific Beach and had time to change into something more beach appropriate and walk in the sand.  I found a pub on the beach and went inside to grab a pint.  I decided that the reservations at the hotel inland had to be cancelled and this is where I would be staying... not the pub but somewhere on the beach. Lucky for me, I didn't have to sleep in the sand.  That probably would have been fine if I wasn't there to have meetings with a client but I managed to find a room at the Surfer Beach Hotel.  This was several stars below the quality of the hotel I had been booked into but the sunset was incredible.  Every night at sun

I was called a Cyberbully on facebook by John Edward or one of his representatives.  After making a couple of comments on a John Edward event page this was posted at the top of the page.  The comments made by some people on John's cyberbully name and shame post were really quite interesting and the fact that there was no context around the Cyberbully claim just goes to show that people will mindlessly follow anyone and judge you based on a simple comment like this. So, first of all, for those of you who are reading this, you would probably like some context. I responded to a post from a friend on Mr. Edward's event page for my city.  My comment simply suggested that my wife, who passed away in January, would not be pleased if I ever attended such an event.  My friend made a comment that he would do readings outside for half the price John was charging and I said I would get him to do my reading since he already seemed to be channeling my deceased wife (she was very much opp

I started to attend a grief support group for people who have lost their significant other.  Last week's session was about anger.  Anger is one of the big 5 in the 5 stages of grief.  What I've learned about the 5 stages of grief is that you don't move through them like levels in a video game.  They come and go throughout your grieving and there is no prize at the end.  I guess the prize is that you find a way to survive. At the support group meeting we talked about anger and I can tell you that we feel angry about a lot of things but one thing I found interesting is that all of us in the group have felt anger toward other couples.  It's not that we are angry that they have their partner and we don't.  I thought I was the only one who felt this but maybe this is common for people who have lost their soul mate. Maybe I've always felt like this having been in love with someone who I cherished and someone who I loved and cared for very deeply every day that w

Last night I had a dream.  Before it fades completely let me tell you about it. I was standing on a high set of stairs with a large group of people around in some sort of ethereal cathedral.  KB's Dad was standing at my left side and I knew that we were waiting for KB.  KB and I were getting married again and we were waiting for her to start coming down the aisle in front of us.  For some reason I felt warm and decided that I needed to take of my suit jacket and shirt and wrap myself in a cloak of some kind.  We waited for several minutes and then I saw KB coming around the corner wearing a beautiful deep blue dress similar to the one that she wore at our "earthly" wedding.  It was longer and flowing.  Even though she was walking she seemed like she was floating.  As she came into my view I could see that smile that I knew so well and I was incredibly happy.  Her blue eyes were sparkling and I was awestruck by how beautiful she looked.  She was like some kind of goddess

I can't tell you how much I hate the title of this post.  I wish I could think of something better and I probably could but I stuck with "The Grief Journey" because it gave me a good opening line.  It's a good catalyst for getting my mind in gear to write about all of the things that piss me off about grief and since I don't plan out any of my blog posts I usually need something like that to get the thought flow started so I can shunt it to the keyboard.  But I digress.. Going through this grieving process I naturally look for support in various places and the Internet is all at once one of the greatest places and one of the worst places to find support and some wisdom.  Anybody looking for some help on the Net is going to have to wade through a bunch of broken heart images with poems overlaid and an endless stream of "organizations" that will tell you how to continue your relationship with your lost loved one and I'm sure they will also be happy